For a long time I asked my mother to find me a guru. I always felt this pull towards spirituality and being a better person and evoloving to be more than I am today. I found this difficult, being in the US, feeling detached from my Indian heritage and culture somewhat. -My ancestral history is rich in religious tradition, but I never felt the strength of that bond being here in the US, I suppose. But in a way, sometimes I wonder if that's helped to pull me closer to it today. Now in my 30s, I was encouraged when my mother told me about Babaji and that he was coming to the US. -I would keep an open mind.
I was excited to see what would happen, hopeful. But there's always this thing in the back of your head, is this person for real? I hoped we could feel his spiritual energy and I would feel and want to be different. It would be a way for me to start my path forward.
I thought I would document my progress over time with this blog. I hope anyone who reads this, understands I'm very much like everyone else, with my own wants, fears and hopes and have much growing and evolving still to do. Please don't fault me too much. I thought it might be useful to others and myself to see the changes. I figure my writing has to change as I change. It'll show my imperfections, but also show how I grow and evolve.
But I should tell you this, I went to the Shivyog Shivir in April of this year. It's been two months since so I believe I already have changes within me and my writing. -But they have to improve as I go further, right? What do I think of myself that I need to change? Well, I'm not hateful person or malicious, I'm generally very kind and have a really good heart. However, I need to work on my temper..a lot. I'm sometimes snappy when it comes to my family about things. I get really upset when I see these are unjust or unfair. And I have a hard time of forgiving people when I don't think they're sorry. -I just hold that anger, disappointment and hurt. I really need to work on not being so..sad so often. -It's like everything else that goes on, I'm so deeply affected by it. I also undervalue what I bring to the table. I'm afraid of failure as well. These things I know I need to fix. -But I know I'm a good person and it's crazy that I question this. I'm very hard on myself whenever I do something I don't like that I've done. -I try to be helpful. We have a catch and release bug program for most bugs and critters. -I feel guilty when I weed the garden and I'm pulling out plants. I'm generally vegeterian. -Would love to go vegan one day. I try to good to the environment. -I know I could always do more, but I think that's what upsets me sometimes. Like, why aren't I doing what I can to improve the world every second of the day? -But that's just not feasible.
At the Shivir, I was pretty upset the first night we did the healing, it was close to two hours later that they started the general session or mass healing. -My family and I had to leave because my son needed to go to eat dinner as did we. -It's a lot to ask people to come right after work and then not start until almost two hours later. No one's had a chance to have dinner beforehand and by the time you eat it's 9 or 10pm. I was not happy, to say the least. I really wanted to be there, but I had to get my son fed. My parents stayed, but my father was not happy about it either, but I convinved him to stay until it all started. When the Shivir started two days later, it was hard to let all of this go and say keep an open mind and listen.
-Now knowing that the sadhaks are all volunteers, I'm not so upset about how things weren't as efficient as I thought they should be. I think they tried their best not having done this previously. -Beforehand, I wasn't sure what to think, the tickets were SO expensive, I though it would have been a well-oiled machine. -But now I have that "jaane do" sort of mentality. -And you know, those sadhaks are just like us, they're working at being better as well. -And we shouldn't be so critical.
Having attended the shivir, I feel pretty good. It was really obvious how some people have achieved a certain level of spirituality and calm. -And how others, like me, haven't yet! But I'm working on it. I'm trying to do the chakra meditation and the healing and shri vidya. -I'm not good at doing it everyday. It's hard with my son being so young. -But I'm working at it.
Wish me luck and I'll let you know how it goes!
I was excited to see what would happen, hopeful. But there's always this thing in the back of your head, is this person for real? I hoped we could feel his spiritual energy and I would feel and want to be different. It would be a way for me to start my path forward.
I thought I would document my progress over time with this blog. I hope anyone who reads this, understands I'm very much like everyone else, with my own wants, fears and hopes and have much growing and evolving still to do. Please don't fault me too much. I thought it might be useful to others and myself to see the changes. I figure my writing has to change as I change. It'll show my imperfections, but also show how I grow and evolve.
But I should tell you this, I went to the Shivyog Shivir in April of this year. It's been two months since so I believe I already have changes within me and my writing. -But they have to improve as I go further, right? What do I think of myself that I need to change? Well, I'm not hateful person or malicious, I'm generally very kind and have a really good heart. However, I need to work on my temper..a lot. I'm sometimes snappy when it comes to my family about things. I get really upset when I see these are unjust or unfair. And I have a hard time of forgiving people when I don't think they're sorry. -I just hold that anger, disappointment and hurt. I really need to work on not being so..sad so often. -It's like everything else that goes on, I'm so deeply affected by it. I also undervalue what I bring to the table. I'm afraid of failure as well. These things I know I need to fix. -But I know I'm a good person and it's crazy that I question this. I'm very hard on myself whenever I do something I don't like that I've done. -I try to be helpful. We have a catch and release bug program for most bugs and critters. -I feel guilty when I weed the garden and I'm pulling out plants. I'm generally vegeterian. -Would love to go vegan one day. I try to good to the environment. -I know I could always do more, but I think that's what upsets me sometimes. Like, why aren't I doing what I can to improve the world every second of the day? -But that's just not feasible.
At the Shivir, I was pretty upset the first night we did the healing, it was close to two hours later that they started the general session or mass healing. -My family and I had to leave because my son needed to go to eat dinner as did we. -It's a lot to ask people to come right after work and then not start until almost two hours later. No one's had a chance to have dinner beforehand and by the time you eat it's 9 or 10pm. I was not happy, to say the least. I really wanted to be there, but I had to get my son fed. My parents stayed, but my father was not happy about it either, but I convinved him to stay until it all started. When the Shivir started two days later, it was hard to let all of this go and say keep an open mind and listen.
-Now knowing that the sadhaks are all volunteers, I'm not so upset about how things weren't as efficient as I thought they should be. I think they tried their best not having done this previously. -Beforehand, I wasn't sure what to think, the tickets were SO expensive, I though it would have been a well-oiled machine. -But now I have that "jaane do" sort of mentality. -And you know, those sadhaks are just like us, they're working at being better as well. -And we shouldn't be so critical.
Having attended the shivir, I feel pretty good. It was really obvious how some people have achieved a certain level of spirituality and calm. -And how others, like me, haven't yet! But I'm working on it. I'm trying to do the chakra meditation and the healing and shri vidya. -I'm not good at doing it everyday. It's hard with my son being so young. -But I'm working at it.
Wish me luck and I'll let you know how it goes!
